Saturday, May 3, 2008

So, within the last 8-10 months, I've developed a serious (or at least serious to me) issue with anger. I hardly ever full on lash out a people, but the smallest things can trigger an incredible amount of anger. I've never been one for expressing sensations like anger, overt criticism, etc., but my family has always encouraged me to do so, claiming that i's much healthier than keeping it in, blah blah blah...

About 2 months ago, I realized that I had more of those feelings than the average person, and that letting them out could be potentially dangerous for those around me. I've been freaking out ever since. Not just worrying about that, but getting more and more angry. Than I read that book Fury by Rushdie, and even though it's not a great book, it put a name to my problem. For some reason I really dig calling it Fury, it feels right.

I talked to my sister about this issue probably 2 weeks ago. She said that she thought it would be a good idea for me to directly express some of that anger at its source, calmly and while utilizing logic and reasonable restraint, once a day. Thus far, I've had two experiences doing so:

1: Yesterday, there were 2 loud, angry preachers on Campus yelling and screaming about hell. My top 3 list of things that offend me are Racism, Fear Mongering, and Public Preaching. I was so mad when I saw these guys yelling about how everyone was going to hell...I decided to calmly go up to the one that was currently yelling and explain that he was offending me and ask him to stop. I knew this was a pointless effort, as those guys operate outside the boundaries of logic and sense, but for my own benefit, I did it. I said excuse me to get his attention, and he told me, "You're excused". I then taped him on the shoulder and said, "I don't think you understand, I want to talk to you," and he screamed in my face, "Don't touch me, pervert! I'm a married man, you freak!". So at least it became obvious to everyone watching that this guy was a closet homosexual...There was a ledge behind him and would make me about a foot and a half taller than him, so I jumped on it and I yelled, "I recreationaly use drugs! I frequently have premarital sex! On top of that, I go out of my way to be kind to every person that I encounter each day, and I don't think I'm going to hell for that." I didn't expect to anyone that was standing around or walking by to give a shit, and a group of people started to cheer. Then the guy yelled, "You're still going to hell because you're a sinner and a pervert! SINNER!". I then yelled, "Maybe I am, but at least I'll have some friends there. Nonetheless, this is a personal issue, and you shouldn't be yelling about it in public, sir." More cheers. Then I just walked away. It felt alright, not great. But decent.

2: My roommate is an idiot, and I won't say that he's the cause of my anger, because my anger problem isn't external issues but the way that I deal with them, but he's a big influence on the way that I feel on a regular basis. In a bad way. Every 2 weeks or so, he uses his mom's money to buy some stupid musical toy that he doesn't need in the least, and this half of the month, he chose a talk-box to go with his keyboard. He's been anxiously waiting for it to arrive in the mail, and I couldn't give a shit less. Maybe it was because I didn't care about it at all that he made me care about it this morning...8:30 on a Saturday morning, I wake up to the sound of poorly played keyboard threw a stupid effect pedal rarely used in good music. I was furious. I got to sleep at 3:30 am, and needless to say, I didn't appreciate this. I sat up in my bed and didn't move for 5 minutes, considering if I should yell at him or not. In the end, I got up, but on some pants, opened my door, and said, "Tim, I know you're excited about your talk-box, but it's very inconsiderate to be playing it at that volume this early on a weekend morning." Pretty calm and cool, right? He said, "Oh, I didn't realize it was that loud. Hey, the fed-ex guy came at 7:30 this morning, how weird is that!?". I just closed my door and accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. He just went right on playing at the same volume. I wanted to yell at him about that, but I wasn't getting back to sleep, and that would pass my quota of one display of overt anger a day...There's always tomorrow, because I'm sure he'll do something completely idiotic then too.

Oh, I wrote a theme song for a cartoon show, and there's a teaser that was thrown together in probably under 5 minutes on the web. Check it out.

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